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It's been one month since you've gone. Quite a busy and hectic month with all sorts of everything going on. I took this picture at the hospital the first time I was there. You always said I was like Peter Rabbit - though I've never read the tale. You probably read it to me when I was young, all I remember was that Peter Rabbit disobeyed his mother. Well that's me alright. It was odd seeing him there, kinda out of place. But at the same time I knew. Ever since I heard the news, there was a part of me that knew that you loved me and wanted to see me - seeing Peter Rabbit somehow let me know that it was okay. I didn't make it back in time but it was okay - someone had it under control.
I went to sleep that night knowing things weren't going well. I woke up the next day and went to school early - not knowing what had happened. Not knowing what to think - to be optimistic or not. But I slept so peacefully that night. I was hoping you'd have waited for me, you knew I was on my way back and I wanted to surprise you and make you laugh. I knew you missed me but I was busy running away and now I have no one to run from and no where to run to. For a moment I was angry, that I had gotten everything together and ready to come see you and you left before I got there. Part of me felt you had given up and left - but I know you wouldn't have given up. You're not me. I want to give up now, everything. I don't want to deal with school, church, people or life. Home's not as homey anymore. No one's going to love me like you did - in spite of all my shortcomings and flaws, in fact you love my flaws and my obnoxiousness. Only you love me in my filth and will hug me even in my pig sty of a room when I haven't showered.
People have told me many things, most of them good, but not all of them get it. A lot of them say trust in God, He has a plan but it's not that. It's not about the bigger picture, that's over emphasized. It was good friday tonight, it's not about the bigger picture that Jesus rises from the dead. It's about now. He's dead, he's gone, you're gone. Things aren't bad, but they're not good - they're just off, broken, crooked. I'm not going to look into the unforeseeable future and say that it's going to be alright. I'm going to say that right here, right now, I feel lost, I want to quit and I don't want to do anything. My low motivation has dropped lower. I don't care to get better - though I probably will. I know you love me and no matter what I do you won't be disappointed. I'm sorry I haven't been treating my body well, the flesh you bore.
I can't fill your shoes, no one can. The house is a mess, we don't know where anything is. And now one of my favourite lines has to be tossed out, "ask my mom". My room's also a mess, but you secretly always loved that because it meant that you could still take care of me and I was still your little boy. I will always be your little bunny and it will be hard to grow up. Snuzzles & Mogun miss you too.
I miss you mums.
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| | Posted 4/11/2009 1:29 AM - 11 Views
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